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COMING OFF MEDICATION - Bob Sexton's Diary - part 2
(Note from Voices Forum: People shouldn't seek to discontinue medication without the advice and support of their doctor, psychiatrist or other mental health professional).
I am writing a diary of how I am attempting
to quit ant-psychotic drugs I have taken for the last twenty
years because doctors have repeatedly said I do not need them.
People should only do it for themselves. A person taking medicine
is not a lesser person, we are all equal from start to finish.
Please only think about quitting if those you trust and your
doctors believe, and most importantly you believe that it is the
right thing to do.
At the start I so terrified and sought advice from many people
around me. Is there any chance that stopping the medicine may be
a big mistake? My pharmacist said she didn't think I needed it.
My friends gave me huge support and encouragement.
At the start I had morbid fear, terror- lots of it. Twenty years
ago the doctors warned me what would happen if I stopped the drug.
The first Saturday on the new dose my ex and I went to a
neighbouring town for the day. How did I do, am I ok I asked?
Fine, better more alive she said. Am I saying anything strange,
anything that might be suggestive of a psychosis? You're fine she
said.
A nurse said it is like walking the high wire without the safety
net. Or riding a bike without the stabilisers.
I feel pain more and am more aware of loss. For example of my
long-term relationship. One day I had a terrible time. I could
not contact anyone and in a fit of blackness and despondency
decided to take the normal dose the next day. To give in and not
try to stop the medicine. Just to accept it. I felt awful,
defeated. But then I thought, what if at the end of my life I had
never tried, I would never know.
The next day I thought for a short time and then took the reduced
dose. Maybe this was one of the most important moments of my
recent life where I chose to remember and trust what those who
love and care for me had said and to ignore my own fears. I'm not
saying that the prospect of defeat is gone forever but at that
moment I chose to look ahead and not back.
As I concentrated on my health, my finances went into meltdown
but the bank were magnificent and spent about 4 hours with me
until I was sorted. I have become calmer and less anxious. My
sick PC doesn't freak me out.
My mood swings stopped when I reduced the drug a year or two ago.
I am aware that as my medicine is reduced so the grip that my
family has on me reduces. I am not so much imprisoned by the past.
My ex bought me "The Silver Chair" by CS Lewis where a
Prince is untied after the warning of awful things if he was, and
everything was OK.
The strategy of the consultant is to bring me down below the
therapeutic dose where I will have the psychological comfort of
taking the pills but at the same time be aware deep down that as
I am taking so little -that I do not need them. Very neat.
Currently I am alternating between 3mg and 4 mg of Stelazine and
hope to settle down to 3mg, and then have a think. If I'm sure
with advice I'll slip the dose down to 2mg.
Bob Sexton